27

White is certain.

Black is certain.

I’ve called my relationship with uncertainty

a battle in the past.

But I’m learning

that I shouldn’t fight the grey areas.

That the beauty in that spectrum

is there if I practice leaning into it.

Embracing the curiosity

of the grey

is almost like

letting out a breath

I’ve been holding in

for a decade.

A realization I hope

becomes a way of being.

It won’t be easy.

I know that.

But I think I’m ready.

So I smile

as I straighten out my steering wheel.

It’s head tilted too far to one side.

Like a little puppy.

I always park with it straight.

He doesn’t,

but I like that it reminds me of him.

I smile as I

linger on the stairs of the parking

structure at the office,

The sky flirting with me.

Showing off it’s pink and blue

gradients that it knows

I can’t resist.

Grey is uncertain.

I’m going to try to be

done fighting it.

26

I shaped the air with my cold hands,

dancing in a parking lot.

Singing at the stars,

trying to bring my anxious heart

to a place of uncertain peace.

Sometimes it all just seems as permanent

as the little heart I draw on my wrist

when I’m bored.

My attempt to be friends with uncertainty

is…

A work in progress.

She’s not the easiest to get to know.

We’re getting there.

“I guess I just don’t love you enough”

Yuck.

The hurt heals though.

We are always stronger than we think we are,

no matter how many times the agency of others

takes

and takes

and takes.

Eventually,

your breath doesn’t feel like

it will break your rib cage.

Because there ARE those that

see you.

Hear you.

Carry you.

Love you.

It was August.

The hum of the live jazz still buzzing on my skin.

I hear a woman on the street laugh and say,

“There is a God, there is a God!”

I smiled.

That’s hope.

twenty five

Instincts are a funny thing.

Trust.

My mind has never exactly earned that from me.

Something lives there

and tries to twist those instincts into uncertainties

that might not be real.

But they also COULD be?

It makes my head hurt.

But.

24 taught me that I’m stronger than I thought.

That maybe

I should follow those instincts

even with the heavy weight of risk bouncing on my back

as I walk forward.

My battle will always be with uncertainty.

But it’s one that I’m winning.

And it can’t take away the feelings that come from

swimming in a pool of sprinkles,

laughing so hard that my backside

becomes friends with the pavement,

orange earth and blue sky,

New York glitter,

San Fransisco streets,

Utah skies,

and hearing “Brookie” and “I love you”.

The battle just makes these moments a little sweeter,

and the dark ones a little harder to swallow.

new

Her nails are silver and glittery.

You think people have expectations but they don’t matter.

Because they are probably too busy looking in their own mirrors.

We thought we were going to dance tonight

but we ate too much and it’s cold outside.

Dull popping sounds hit the window

reminding us of the parties we are pretending to ignore.

How the fireworks are getting through the fog are beyond me anyway.

But in an hour we start new again and that’s exciting.

I like that it’s on a Sunday.

Fresh.

24

I called 23 ugly and uneven.

Awkwardly in the middle.

But she wasn't.

She drives a white CRV that her friend wants to call Kenny G.

She ate a chocolate crepe not caring about Calvin behind the Eiffel Tower and flew on more airplanes than she has in her life combined.

She cut all her hair off at the beginning, and colored it pink at the end.

23 spoiled her with amazing people (especially the one who made her an aunt <3), accomplishments, and opportunities.

And she turned more into the person she wants to be.

A pink sparkly unicorn kinda.

we belong here